Today I laugh

I am laughing again. I am no longer crying every time I turn around. I am no longer feeling guilty for feeling like I don’t love my children enough. Since Mayah’s birth I have been dealing with emotions and feelings that I am not used to. The stark contradiction between what my heart and inner most being knows and what my mind and body feels. At first I just thought that that I was dealing with normal “baby blues”, the adaptation of the change of hormones in my body. There were days when tears seemed to flow for hours just to start up again minutes later. Getting out of bed in the morning seemed like a feat that was too great to handle. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I always bounced back after the birth of my other kids. Ethan was my first and even though Charmin commercials brought me to tears more than once, I bounced back. After the brothers were born I think that I stayed strong just because I HAD to, they were so small and needed their mother to fight for them. Once they were home I was just so happy to have my whole family together. After this birth, after this pregnancy, it was like things didn’t just fall into place like before. Getting into a routine seemed like an impossible feat. I was told that it could take more time this time because of the 19 weeks spent on bedrest. I tried. I tried to do the normal things, wash the dishes, do the laundry, pick up the toys – but even that seemed impossible. It was everything that I could do just to maintain the kids while David was at work. There were many times when the boys would have massive breakdowns and I would join them in tears on the floor. I didn’t know what I could do to calm them down, to calm me down. I would get angry with myself for feeling this way. I am sure that Mayah felt my frustrations as well. There were times when I couldn’t calm her down but would just have to lay her down and let her scream because I was scared of what I would do. What I pictured myself doing. I was scared at the mother I thought that I was. It is not supposed to be this way. This is supposed to be one of the happiest times for parents. After the pregnancy that I had, I was so excited to just hold her in my arms, so excited to have a perfect baby girl. And then the emotions set in and I didn’t know why I was feeling the way that I was. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

At my six week check up, I talked with my Dr about the emotions that I was dealing with. As hard as it was to admit the feelings of inadequacy, the feelings of guilt, of hopelessness, I did. Post Partum Depression. When the normal baby blues last longer than a few weeks. I was given a prescription for Zoloft. I struggled with the thought of taking a pill to “normalize” my emotions. I have studied depression, I know what causes it. As hard as it was, I knew that I needed to do something. I was scared of what I would do, what I could do. I started taking the Zoloft.

About two weeks later I had some blood work done just to get a base line and check all of my levels. A few days later my Dr called and said that it looked like my B12 level was low. It was at 75 and the low end of normal is 250. He said that I would need more blood work to see if it was a true B12 deficiency or not. That blood work would take about a week or so to come back. One of the symptoms of a B12 deficiency is depression. I was hopeful that the depression that I was feeling was because of the B12 and not Post Partum. With this new information, I stopped taking the Zoloft (I had been taking it for about 3 weeks at that point). I felt good and okay for a few days, but then the tears started back. My patience level was at an all time low. I hated the fact that I couldn’t look at Mayah without bursting out in tears. There was a day that I was totally thankful that I had a bottle of breast milk in the fridge and Jessica to take over. It was at that point that I decided along with David that the Zoloft was necessary, at least for the time being. It was not 2 days later that we got the phone call from my Dr that I did not have a true B12 deficiency. I just had a low reading on the first test.

I start working in the Fall. I will be out of the house more; I will interact with adults on a daily basis. I won’t feel trapped in my house with 4 kids. We are hoping and praying that I will get over this PPD at that time. Time will tell. But for now, I am enjoying life. I am enjoying my children. The tears have stopped. I laugh again.