Tuesday, March 22, 2011

This just might be more info than you ever wanted about my life!

I am from a broken family. Take that as you will, but in today’s society it seem that you would find more from a broken family than not. But what exactly does that mean? In my case, my parents divorced when I was little, maybe 2? Right after that both of my parents remarried to people that they are still currently married to. After a chain of events that I don’t think I will ever truly understand, I ended up in the permanent guardianship of my mother and her husband. Even though I was never formally adopted, I accepted my mother’s new husband as my father, better yet, he even accepted me as his daughter. He is and has been, my Daddy. Somewhere in there, my birth father felt that it would be best for me, if there was no contact between us. As harsh as all this sounds, I can accept that decision now. I know the circumstances in which that decision was made and I probably would have made the same one.

I grew up always questioning just who my father was. I would wonder if he thought about me, if my sisters thought about me. With the invention of the internet, I found myself, every few months, doing a web search about him. I would find different information here and there, so I had pieced together a little snippet of his life, but I never knew anything concrete. A few years ago, we moved to the Midwest. It was at that point that I realized that my father and his family lived pretty close (only 4 hours away to be exact). For 3 years I struggled with the decision to reach out to my father through Facebook of all things!

Let’s backtrack a bit here. I have no doubt that my family loves me. I truly love them all too. If I can be honest, and this is where it gets hard for me, I had a rough upbringing. It was not always roses and puppy dogs. There was a lot of screaming, slamming, slapping, tears, harsh words, frustrations, and walking on egg shells. Now, as a 33 year old adult, I struggle with my past. I struggle with the relationship between me and my parents.

If I can get down to the meat of it, it seems as if I have never lived up to what my mother saw for me or expected of me. What that is – I don’t know. I just know that I am a disappointment to her. My actions are a disappointment. This is a hard pill for me to swallow because I happen to think that I have done pretty good for myself. I could go and list all of the reasons why I think that I am not a disappointment, but then that would bring me right back to the purpose of this right now.

I have always thought that I have to prove something – that I needed to prove myself. Short of wearing a sign around my neck that says “Please love me now, this is why I deserve it: _______” and then listing all of my accomplishments, all of the reasons that I felt I was worthy of love or acceptance.

Being a mother yourself teaches you a lot. Unconditional love is something that parents just have for their children. No matter what my kids do, they will never, ever, in a million years, do something that will make me not love them, or not accept them. Now none of my 4 are teenagers yet... J I guess that I have just heard “I only say this” or “I only do this” “Because I Love You”, followed by a list of things that I have done wrong, or decisions that I have made that my mother feels are wrong. Long ago I have learned to just leave certain things out in conversations or not even bring things up or even, unfortunately, twist things so that I’m not “in the wrong”. Well then when the “truth” came out – things would just blow up even bigger.

So where does that leave me now? It has been a long hard road, but I am not going to apologize for who I am, what I do, decisions that I make that I feel are best for me and my family. I am who I am. You can either take me or leave me, but I will not compromise who I am for anyone. Even family. Now I do need to say that this is all subject to God and how he would like to change me. That I am open too.

Back to the point of this. About 10 months ago I made the decision to send a letter, via Facebook, to my birth father and my two half-sisters. At that the time I was in the hospital for an extended period (8 days) for some testing related to my seizures. The reason that I sent the letters was because I needed closure. I had a picture in my head of my birth father telling me that he had his own family now – and I didn’t fit into that. I wanted to just know that for sure. To my absolute delight things have turned out so much better. 30 years ago, things were what they were, we cannot go back and change the past. We can move forward from here. Questions have been asked and answered and we are learning what it is to be a family now. It is good. In spite of all.

Now those that are close to me and know a little about my situation with my “other” family. Things are not good. Things have not been good for a while. I can look back and think that I am pretty lucky because instead of not having any family support, now that I am back in contact with my dad and that side of my family, I do have the family support that I have always wanted. If I can be honest, I probably have more support NOW than I ever did. Whether or not that is true doesn’t matter but it is my perception of reality.

What is this whole point? I really don’t know. I guess I again felt the need to explain myself, justify my actions. But more than that, I think that it is important to understand your roots. In my field, I see history repeating itself all the time. I do not want history to repeat itself in my family. I am going to fight tooth and nail for a successful family. I want my kids to know that no matter what decisions they make, I will always love them and support them. Now I also hope that I am raising them in a way that spurs them one to make successful decisions for their life. I also hope that I am showing them that they can come to us with anything. Even things that we don’t necessary “like”. I want them to know that we are here to talk to them about anything. Even the uncomfortable things. All things that I don’t feel like I had. I don’t want my kids to have this picture of me in their head that makes them want to avoid me. I want to be better. Is that wrong? I sure hope not.

Bottom line. Life is good right now. I am happy. My kids are happy. We are happy. 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

I HATE drama!

I am in the middle of writing a paper right now, but just got an email that kinda ticked me off. Since I can't vent on Facebook (cause I'm not really like that) - I guess I'll vent here. 

All I have to say is it is because of people/attitudes/feelings like what I just read, that we left the church we were going to and then eventually Illinois. 

Don't be surprised if my Facebook friends list is decreased by A LOT over the next few days! 

GEEEERRRRR. There goes my good night! Well other than Mayah puking everywhere!  

Thursday, March 3, 2011

So much has happened since my last post! We are now residence of Utah! It was a long time coming. We officially made the decision to move back West back in June of 2010. In July I was reunited with my birth father and that side of the family – it was very hard for me to then accept moving away since they lived so close and things are really great with them. We have both made decision to see each other AND we have a Video camera so that we can keep them updated on the kids.

The Kids – Well E started his first day at his new school today. He now attends Dixie Sun Elementary. The different thing about this school is that it is a dual immersion school. Meaning that he will be learning in both English and Spanish! This school also has a strong music program. I had read a few years ago about a college in Southern California that was facing being closed because it had an 85% dropout rate. They did some research and changed only one thing on their admissions requirements and that was to require that every student plays a musical instrument. They then also added a ton of practice rooms and poured a great deal of money into their Music program. Within 3 years – the dropout rate then moved to 2%! Studies show that students that play a musical instrument have more discipline, better study skills, and are just overall more well-rounded students. I am excited about the opportunities that E will have here at this new school and our other 3 as well!

We have not started I at his school yet. I still need to find his IEP and then get him registered at his school. Right now he is enjoying playing with his brothers and sister. A is a bit bummed because he is not eligible for the preschool program at this time. His teacher sent him to Utah with a school bag. He has enough stuff in there to last for a long time! I just need to find the time to sit down and do it with him.

M is such a little girl! I love her so much! She loves dresses and everything pink! If it is not pink or purple she probably won’t pick it up J She loves her new room. It is all pink and purple and Tinker Bell. She knows most of her colors – well only if they are shades of Pink and Purple. No really she is doing really good counting and with her alphabet, her older brothers are teaching her good!

Our new house is really great. David likes it so much better than our house in Il. I like it too – although I do think that I will like it much better when we are all moved in. I am still in the middle of my school quarter so I can’t help as much as I would really like to. I only have 2 ½ weeks left and then I have a 3 week vacation! The kids have already met new friends here in the complex where we live. It helps that we are right next to the play area! We were asked by one of our neighbors if we were LDS – when we replied “No” her response was “Well that’s okay”. Really didn’t know how to take that!

We are excited to look for a new church here in this area. It has been a long time since we have had a church home and it is about time! I think that we have a few that we are going to check out within the next few weeks. 

I - right after his nap
Think he is still tired?
David starts his job at the Walmart distribution center on the 15th of this month. That means 4 nights a week I will be sleeping alone. Not looking forward to that much at all. I am just happy that he does have weekends off! We also need to decide if I am going to get a job or if David will get a second job. I am just not sure how easily I will be able to get my internship hours, work, and do School work. It will all work out in the end- this I am sure of!

Well I think that is about all right now. I just woke up from his nap and is now falling asleep on the couch. Too cute! I will update more (with pictures of our house) later.